Many men in our modern American culture have begun to ask the question of how to be a leader. Leadership is something all men desire in their hearts. It gives us a sense of significance and a feeling of respect. As women desire love from those around them, so do us guys desire respect from those around us.
If they feel loved they often feel respected, but if we don’t feel respected for who we are we often don’t feel loved by others. This is no more significant than in the context of a marriage.
In addition and much more significant is the reality of God’s design and intention. He has intended for men as husbands and fathers to lead his family towards God. This is where true biblical and spiritual leadership is differentiated from other forms of leadership.
Sometimes we crave leadership because it brings with it a sense of authority and power. We believe that if we just had the ability to make all of the decisions and point our families in the direction that we want to point then everything else would finally fall into place, but this is never the truth of the matter.
Our role as head of our wives and as an equal authority alongside them over our children is not meant for our own personal use. We aren’t to manipulate headship into rulership, but to cultivate a healthy and stable environment for our family.
This starts with you. You, as the head of your wife and equal authority over your children, are where everything begins (right after God).
Let’s dive into what this all means and draw implications to what it certainly doesn’t mean.
You Must Take Responsibility
Taking responsibility means accepting fault and taking ownership of actions and consequences. One of our chief duties as husbands and fathers is to acknowledge and accept when mistakes happen.
If a decision is taken we must accept the consequences and learn from it. Take the blame and don’t shift it to other people. This one important aspect of how to be a leader.
There is almost no other indicator more clear that a man is not truly a man than if he refuses to take blame or accept responsibility. If there is one major habit you should teach your son it is to take responsibility for his and his family’s actions.
How To Do It
To take responsibility a man should look back to the very beginning. In the book of Genesis we see that Eve sinned by taking the apple from the tree that God had commanded them not to eat from.
She then gave the apple to Adam to eat. When God came calling He asked not for Eve, who had directly sinned first, but Adam, who God clearly held in the role of headship in their marriage. So too are we responsible for our marriages.
If a decision is made in our family we are the ones who take responsibility for the decision. We also take responsibility for the consequences of that decision, and we bare the burden of putting it straight and answering about it to God.
If your wife and children are pointed in the wrong direction, cut off from their church, broiling in bitterness and resentment towards you, hostile to others with no reasonable justification, it is your responsibility to get your family pointed towards God and away from those other things.
When you don’t feel respected by your wife or your children, take responsibility for perhaps not being the best husband and father, and taking the necessary actions to rectify that reality.
If your wife belittles and emasculates you in front of others, start approaching your marriage with some humility and serve your wife while continuously showing her the nature of God through you.
The key here is to not stew in your own resentment. If you are focused more on what others are doing and how they are to blame you will never improve upon yourself.
Don’t embrace the victim mentality; embrace Jesus. Accept responsibility for the sins and misgivings of your family and watch them come to lean upon you as their source of support. Forgive and ask for forgiveness and watch them thrive under a family culture of openness and joy.
You Must Be Proactive
In order to be a leader you must take the initiative in preparation and action. Instead of being reactive a leader chooses to be proactive. A good leader knows that there are threats looming all around that would topple the stability of his marriage and his family.
Sin is pervasive, and he knows it. Our culture hates men, and he knows it. Threats to the stability and spiritual health of his family are prevalent, and in order to keep them at bay he must act proactively, not react defensively when it is too little, too late.
A good leader also utilizes his proactiveness in the routine. It is important that you tend to the spiritual disciplines of your wife and your children. It shouldn’t be your wife’s job to ask if you’ve been in God’s word recently. Neither should needing to spark conversations over whether you’ve been steadfast in prayer. It’s important to remember who the credit for your blessings belongs to and why He deserves your glory and praise.
These are your responsibilities. A proactive man understands that these are beneficial long term strategies for his family.
How To Do It
When Jesus was discussing the cost of discipleship, of following him, the following was said:
For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?
Luke 14:28
One of the primary takeaways we can glean from Jesus’ teachings here is that preparation is key. If a man desires to practice a proactive spirit and develop healthy spiritual habits, he must work towards it and prepare, considering beforehand the cost and what it means in the grand scheme of things.
It is very difficult to act decisively if we don’t first set up the structure or system required to do so. In other words, if we haven’t spent time building the metaphorical launch pad, how can we possibly expect to launch into action when the time requires?
In addition to preparation, proactiveness requires the ability and willingness to pull the trigger. It is crucial to begin to develop both the skill of discernment as well as the ability to act.
Many men, whether it be confrontation that you fear to initiate, neglected chores, or any other manor of pressing concern in your life, become paralyzed in inaction. A proactive man kills laziness and embraces the spirit of action.
Discernment, as mentioned previously, is also of vital importance. It doesn’t pay to be proactive if you’re working off of only a minor part of the equation and with tainted information. There’s a balance to strike here, and discernment is the tool we can use to know what the correct step forward is.
Sometimes when we assume we come to faulty conclusions and take an incorrect course of action despite our good intentions. It’s similar to a situation in which a doctor makes a correct diagnosis but an incorrect prescription. Or, an incorrect diagnosis and a harmful prescription.
Neither scenario is ideal, so make sure you’re working off of the correct information. Take the time to collectii it if you have to. Give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume. Being proactive is useless if you’re running down the wrong lane.
Finally, proactiveness is rooted in having the right tools at your disposal and knowing how to utilize them. Specifically I am referring to the armor of God, which can help us in all situations. The armor of God is described as follows:
“Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Ephesians 6:14-17 NLT
If we seek the truth, desire peace and pursue it, stand steadfast in our faith, accept daily the free gift of our salvation, and consult the scriptures to solve our problems then we can consider ourselves properly prepared, able to discern and act, and assuredly grounded in God’s way he would have us walk.
In order to be proactive you have to combat your first impressions and your irrational urges or shortsighted emotions. Bend the knee to your Lord and follow him in submission, and all these abilities will be added to you.
You Must Be Patient
Perhaps the most important trait of a biblical leader is patience, even in the most trying of times. Your family will absolutely depend upon your ability to practice it. We all need others to be patient with us. If the rock of your family (you) is quick to anger and explosive with his emotions, how can they ever truly feel safe and secure in their home?
Sometimes all your wife needs is a little bit of patience, even in moments she doesn’t deserve it. Even when your kids threaten to send you over the edge it is best to practice patience with them.
Do this even once and you’ll see just how huge of a difference this makes. Not only does it work for good in their hearts but yours too. In patience there is wisdom, as seen in the book of Proverbs:
‘A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. ‘
Proverbs 15:18
Patience is a way of defusing the stress that has continuously built up inside of you. It’s not about holding it in. It makes your soul feel lighter, not heavier. Embrace the virtue of patience and your family will embrace you.
How To Do It
One of the best ways to practice patience is through prayer. Sometimes going to our creator with our requests, or even our complaints, is the only best thing to do in a given situation. Let’s take a look at Philippians 4:6 to see what Paul said about combating anxiety with prayer:
‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ‘
Philippians 4:6
If our patience is thinnest in trying times, we can apply this snippet of wisdom and fight against our inclination act regretfully or snap at others. Going to God in prayer is like going to your most supportive person and spilling your heart out. You can tell Him of your concerns, and voice your opinions to Him. Tell Him that you struggle with patience and let Him work it into your life.
Remember: Oftentimes when we ask God for something we won’t receive it in the way we think we will. If we ask for patience, He may very well help us with it by giving us the opportunity to practice it. Much in the way we help our children to learn how to ride their bike, so too does our God help us to practice our patience.
If we took over and rode the bike for our child they wouldn’t learn anything at all. They have to do it and learn how it works. So too does God help us to learn new things or skills. He gives us opportunities and helps us along the way.
Patience is also about waiting. Sometimes this is all it takes for someone to begin improving their patience. If you know that it is wise and better to wait before moving to act, than the value of patience will begin to reveal itself to us.
Let’s go back to the wonderful book or proverbs:
‘Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. ‘
Proverbs 14:29
Here we can see what Solomon is trying to say about patience, that he who practices it gains understanding. If we act quickly without taking the time to gather all the information, we are likely to make dangerous assumptions and bring ineffective solutions to the table.
We can understand the situation and those around us, what they need, what they’re really saying, by waiting to respond or act in the right moment. There’s a popular saying about assuming that I won’t repeat here.
So as you can see, in order to practice patience it is essential to go to God in prayer. We must learn the value of waiting rather than acting haphazardly.
As one of the fruits of the Spirit, patience comes directly from God Himself. When we are displaying patience with those around us we are showing some of God’s great light to them, and we’re sending them a signal that we are someone to be trusted.
CONCLUSION
Leadership is something that all men desire in their hearts; as the first sentence in this post it still seems relevant to repeat. Even for those of us guys who seemed disinclined to positions of leadership this doesn’t change the God-given responsibility of leadership we are endowed with. One of the primary reasons that this is so is because, as men, we desire respect like women desire love. There’s a reason that Ephesians 5 calls for the following:
‘ Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ‘
Ephesians 5:22,25
God knows we need respect as men. Because our wives complement us perfectly they are called to submit to us, as to the Lord, out of respect. Likewise, because God knows women need love, and because we complement our wives perfectly, we are called to love our wives as Christ loved the church.
It’s all very simple when you put it in plain terms, but very difficult to actually put into practice. For those of you men who have insisted upon taking your role as leader of your family you can do the following to bring yourself closer to that reality:
- Take responsibility
- Be proactive
- Practice patience
- Lead in serving
- Sacrifice for other’s sake
I want to leave you men with this last little piece of advice: if you are chasing leadership for your own personal gain, so that you can feel important, you are pursuing unjust gain. You’re going to cause hurt in your marriage and separation with your children. Stay in the word, commit yourself to prayer, and lead in servitude and sacrifice, not for your sake, but for your family’s!
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and learn about biblical leadership! One fundamental aspect of leadership is in our provision. Click here to read about 4 ways you must provide!