- Love Jesus More
The first example you can set for your wife is in your love for God. A Godly wife understands that a good husband loves his creator more than her, and she doesn’t bristle at the fact. To know that he holds himself in humble submission to the Lord is to her proof that he recognizes something greater than himself. She can trust that he knows he has a purpose and that it is centered around her and their children.
When you love your wife more than God you are likely to place her needs above God’s calling. This will ultimately lead to a household where the number one priority is your standing with your wife on any given day rather than your relationship with God.
Your wife is a wonderful blessing to you, but she is sinful and fallible just like you. A household should not be founded upon her but the Lord. Though this might seem like marital suicide to some of you, she will thank you in the long run.
2. Put your wife above your children
This one might be the most difficult to accept as being a necessary element of your marriage. It seems especially difficult for our wives to grasp this concept, for the bond they share with their child is one unlike any other. That reality doesn’t make it any less true however.
Much like loving God more than your wife is a necessary component of marriage she will thank you for, so too will your marriage thank you when you put it first above your responsibilities as a parent.
Listen closely: this is not a diminishment of your role as a father, but a recognition of priority. Two things can and absolutely are true at the same time: you prioritize your marriage over your children while at the same time loving and tending to your children with the care and attention they need from you.
In fact, just like you are actually doing what is in your wife’s best interest by loving God more than her, so too are you doing what’s in your children’s best interest by prioritizing the health of your marriage over them.
Think of date nights with your wife before you schedule social functions for your children. It’s not necessarily detrimental to your marriage if the date night doesn’t happen and the kids go to their event instead, but if a pattern exists than it will absolutely reflect in your relationship with your wife.
3. Proactively lead your family
In a culture where masculinity is under attack and seen as harmful to society, leadership suffers greatly. Positions of leadership in the workplace are, and should be, open to both men and women. In the home however? That’s a duty reserved for husbands in the context of his family.
Before we talk about what proactive spiritual leadership looks like let’s first discuss what it is not:
Leadership is NOT:
- Controlling
- Domineering
- Demanding
- Forceful
- Manipulative
Don’t make the mistake of spreading these sins in your family. Your wife is not your ‘follower-under-supreme-authority.’ Instead, she is your helper in a joint effort to lead your family in the direction of God.
Leadership IS:
- Proactive
- Purposeful
- Considerate
- Counsel-driven
- Humble
- Serving
To be an effective leader in your home there must be an underlying premise that is clearly understood: that you, your wife, and your children are equally valuable. God holds all of you as equals, but he does assign us roles that help our families function.
To have an effective marriage you must be willing and able to be a leader who takes responsibility proactively. This means identifying and solving issues before and immediately after they arise. It means taking the initiative in creating biblical routines, prioritizing study time and time in the Word, and much more so long as it points towards God.
Your leadership must also be purposeful. Here’s a hint: you’re not the purpose for God’s design for you. He didn’t give you the role of leadership so you could be served and so your wife could do whatever you tell her to. That is not biblical leadership. Instead the purpose of your leadership is to develop your family’s relationship with God.
Jesus gave us a great example of what a leader is when he washed the feet of his disciples; a humbling and serving act of love:
”Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him.“
John 13:5 ESV
Jesus led in servitude and humility. In our culture we tend to conflate leadership with power, but that’s not what true leadership is. Just as true wisdom comes from above and not from the minds of fools (all of us), so too does true leadership.
4. Cast pride aside
Men, very likely one of your most prominently reoccurring sins is that of pride. Much like lust, the opportunities to live pridefully are everywhere. As men seeking true masculinity it is especially easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are superior, or that you know the way and others don’t. Please don’t think this way.
If we are pursuing a biblically grounded life than surely we understand the value of seeking God-given wisdom. Pride is one of wisdom’s chief enemies, so learning how to cast it aside should be one of your primary goals.
The answer to pride is humility. We must tackle our own superiority complexes with the true humble reality of our inferiority. Without our God we are nothing. Without Him we are totally worthless and unjustified. As men we are not in a position to approach our marriages with anything other than a complete humility that we have been blessed, not unjustly burdened, with our families.
Who are we to take that for granted? How do we justify our inclination to rush into every problem bull-headed, insistent that we have all the answers, to compare ourselves to other men and find satisfaction in having bigger houses, more expensive cars, or even more time in the pews? Turn from pride and embrace the humbling thought that God views us as no more valuable than the most unworthy men of our society. We are no better, so stop acting like it.
5. Learn how to forgive
A fruitful marriage is a byproduct of two wise forgivers. This is perhaps the most important point to emphasize when talking about how to cultivate a healthy marriage. You have to be willing to hit the lowest of lows and come back from it. Forgiveness is shedding resentment, accepting the sinfulness of your spouse and recognizing that same nature in yourself, and extending the same grace to them that God extends to you every day.
Remember the parable of the unforgiving servant: a servant was confronted with the large debt which he owed his master. The punishment for failure to pay was that he and his family were going to be sold into slavery. As a result the servant fell to his knees and pleaded for forgiveness and, amazingly, he was granted it! This same servant turned around and offered no such forgiveness to a man who owed him debt. Jesus condemned this sort of behavior, telling those who were listening that so too would the father not forgive them if they didn’t extend that same grace.
Forgiveness is crucial in cultivating a healthy and lasting marriage. Your spouse is going to make mistakes.. BIG mistakes, and it’s on you to learn how to move past them and forgive them. There are some sins that Jesus permitted a divorce for, but those are the exception and not the rule. Jesus wants all marriages to survive and forgiveness to thrive within them.
CONCLUSION
Marriage is hard. It’s the biggest challenge you may ever go through. Sometimes, it is all but impossible. Do yourself a favor men and understand this important point: the state of your marriage is your responsibility, not your wives! Yes she may need to hold herself accountable in the marriage as well, but God looks to you to make it right.
With that in mind, stop complaining, being bitter, brooding in resentment, shifting blame, not taking responsibility, and becoming consumed in your own laziness and inefficiency! Step up. Be a man! Serve your wife and children. Lead them proactively in prayer and reading of scripture. Take them to church. Cherish your wife and protect your children. Speak kindly, not passive aggressively. Be the example your sons and daughters will look back on fondly when they are grown. Only then can you hope to become known as a sacrificial man.