Perhaps the most common way that men fail to be good husbands is in the way they love their wives. In our modern culture it is perceived as ‘manly’ for men to assert their dominance over other women and uplift themselves as superior or ‘better than’. However this isn’t true masculinity. I’d like to introduce to you (or re-introduce) the calling to husbands from Ephesians 5. If there’s anything you should take away from this blog post it is that any type of masculinity that isn’t biblical is wrong!
Men (boys, I call them) who espouse this view of manhood and masculinity are failing at the number one priority God has set for us as husbands: to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her.
These boys are deceiving other boys (these ones are well-intentioned) into a lie that keeps them noticeably short of being men. They are painting a picture that doesn’t accurately represent manhood, acting as the counterfeit version of the Ephesians 5 man.
The mental, emotional, and physical health of those around you is dependent upon what kind of man you are. The effect you have on your family, your mere presence, has a much bigger impact on them than you could possibly imagine.
So what is biblical masculinity? How does the picture painted in the scriptures describe the God-honoring man?
The Ephesians 5 man is what every man should strive to be. You have a responsibility to be loving as the Lord defines love. The apostle Paul helped us to understand what that looks like:
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Let’s break down this description of love to come to a better understanding. First, we’ll start with patience.
PATIENCE
Just as God is patient with us, far more than we could ever be, we are called to be with our wives. This means learning how to be slow to anger, quick to withhold criticism, refusing to give into rage, and depending upon Christ in your toughest moments.
Sometimes as men we feel a sense of urgency to get things done according to our own timing. Often times we get tired of what we perceive to be ‘incessant nagging’ by our wives. Even more often, we just get tired of having to deal with her needs over our own. In being patient we must reject these base inclinations to selfishness.
KINDNESS
Being kind is many men’s biggest area of weakness in their relationship with their wife. A lot of times this is because we feel like we are in defensive mode, or because our wives don’t respect us or what we have to say. If you lack kindness with your wife because she isn’t be kind towards you, then you are failing at being the leader you were meant to be. In fact, you are letting your wife lead you.
She doesn’t treat you kindly? You don’t treat her kindly. She doesn’t respect you? You don’t respect her. She berates you? You berate her. She raises her voice? You raise your voice. She gets defensive? So do you, and on and on it goes until you start wondering if you married the right woman.
I have news for you, men: you married the right woman, but you’re not being the right man. If you want to be loving to your wife you will show her kindness even when she isn’t earning it. You’ll speak to her in a kind tone in the face of a nasty beratement or harsh criticism. You do this because God has told you it’s what you’re supposed to do, and because it will most certainly have the desired effect on your marriage.
Imagine if God responded to you the way you respond to your wife. Every time you went to him in prayer he name-called, interrupted, shut you down and dismissed you entirely. Just as you have done this in your marriage God stands in the middle utterly heartbroken. He so desperately desires for you to step up and be the better man. He calls you to be patient and kind with your wife so she can feel His love through you. Set the ultimate example for her that God sets for all of us everyday. How dare you if you don’t!
TRUTH
Love rejoices in the truth because the truth is Jesus Christ. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing because wrongdoing is Satan and his agenda. As Christian men we are with Christ and against the devil, so we must recognize and understand where the devil is actively working in our lives to get in the middle of our marriage.
If you are prone to boasting, arrogance, or rudeness, then you are allowing yourself to be overcome by the influence of Satan rather than your God. A Godly man knows when to be angry in righteousness, but the devil is always advocating a constant state of irritability. A man full of love and peace cultivates forgiveness as he recognizes how he himself has been forgiven, while the devil breeds resentment. Understand the truth and reject the lie.
With this image of love in mind, one of humility and grace, Godly wisdom and truth-seeking determination, we can begin to fulfill our biblical duty to our wives. Let’s take a look at Ephesians 5 and what it has to say about our responsibility as husbands:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,”
Ephesians 5:25
Here we can see what kind of love God is calling us to: a sacrificial love. This is the same kind of love that Jesus had for all of us as he approached the cross he knew he would die on. It was for our sake, not his! That’s the whole point of sacrificial love.
When we love sacrificially we are telling our wives that we hold them to be more significant than ourselves, and that they are worth serving. In turn they will be likely to feel safe and secure, and she will open up to you in complete confidence that you can help solve her problems.
In Ephesians we see another form of love as well:
“that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,”
Ephesians 5:26 ESV
Here we see a sanctifying love; one that serves for the purpose of lifting up towards God. The purpose in sanctifying our wives is to help her to grow in her relationship with Jesus. A man who loves Jesus and submits to Him also sees the wisdom in getting his wife to follow along.
The Word of God and constant prayer are two disciplines that you should be cultivating daily in your family’s routine. YOU take the lead with this one, men. Initiate Bible studies and get everyone in the car on Sunday morning to go to church. Grow peace in your home and point your family in the direction of God.
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”
Ephesians 5:28-30 ESV
And the third form of love we see here is a self-love which is borne of nourishment and cherishing. This is an important one as well for it requires that a man understands and accepts the one-flesh nature of his marriage.
Abandon the man cave, forget the quiet hours in the garage, and turn instead toward your wife and being a present husband. You’re one and the same in the worldly sense, so treat your wife with the respect you yourself desire. It won’t be easy but it will be right.
The Ephesians 5 man is full of love, grace, forgiveness, patience, kindness, and gentleness. Remember to treat your wife in the recognition that she is the weaker vessel; not weaker to indicate a lesser value, but weaker in that she isn’t designed to carry burdens the way that you are. Don’t be proud in that but do take up the responsibilities that come along with it.
In being a sacrificial man one must practice the disciplines of Ephesians 5. A biblically grounded man of God cannot live sacrificially for his wife if he neglects the methods by which he loves her. It’s not just the feeling that makes true love, but a conscious and daily decision to remain loyal and committed, and to forego your own desires for her benefit.
Stay strong and love your wives on your journey to becoming The Sacrificial Man!
Peace be upon you, your wives, and your children! Don’t forget to check out the rest of the blog for more on how to become a God-honoring man. Click here if you’d like to learn more about provision and your responsibility to establish it.